Why are goals supposed to be expressed in positive terms?
What makes it matter?
I’ve heard so many clinicians talk about this from the perspective of their personal theoretical orientation (which is just a fancy way of saying the kind of therapy you do). For example, in hypnotherapy the explanation is that the subconscious only understands the message and doesn’t download the “don’t” part of it. So “don’t smoke” just becomes “smoke.”
I mean, maybe? Brains are assholes in that way but I dunno if there is any science behind it.
I encourage SMART goal setting (which you have probably bumped into if you read my books), and in order to be…
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic (and)
Time-Sensitive
…a goal really has to be stated in terms of what you want instead of don’t want. You could do some maneuvering around that and force a “don’t smoke” goal into the formula but I don’t think that it is necessary to be that bendy, even as a yoga teacher.
But I bumped into a fantastic analogy in one of Fredike Bannink’s books recently. Dr. Bannink writes around SFBT (solution focused brief therapy), CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), and positive psychology principles. So a positively stated goal fits in quite well with her work.
Now, I don’t use any of those theoretical orientations exclusively. Because they are all about shifting focus, and sometimes that becomes….shall we say….gaslighty as fuck…when someone is really in the hole dealing with some awful shit. But her work is incredibly helpful, I’ve used it when teaching SFBT for years but somehow skipped over this nugget until today. Why **would** you keep your goals explicated in positive terms? The good doctor notes that when you go to the grocery store with a shopping list what is on it? The ten things you need or want to buy? Or the 5000 other things in the store that you aren’t going to buy?
And that analogy hit home for me. Above all else, thinking about what you *don’t* want is a waste of your time, energy, and focus. And hasn’t what you *don’t* want already taken enough of your time and energy and focus?
It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. Give it a try for a few weeks. What changes?