Privacy Versus Secrecy

There is a common theme in modern relationships that if you aren’t sharing everything with your partner you are keeping secrets. It has started appearing with startling frequency in the media, and I’m not sure if I am worried about the trend because I’m a relational therapist or because I am a middle aged crank who likes to complain about the TikToks and the SnapChats.

Wait.

It can’t be the middle-aged crank thing. Because it showed up in the Sex and the City reboot “And Just Like That,” which is peak Gen Xer television. Remember the conniption Carrie had upon finding the frozen yogurt punch card in one of Big’s suits after he died? (Spoiler alert if you hadn’t seen the show: Big dies.) Carrie went on and on about how it ruined her happy-sad ending. Because it meant he had a secret life that she didn’t know about.

Ma’am. Ma’am. It’s soft serve. It was a tiny little private pleasure…not a mistress or a cocaine habit.

Why do we think we are entitled to that level of information about someone? Why should have unlimited access to our partner’s phone and computer? Why do we get our feelings hurt if there are parts of their lives that they keep to themselves?

Privacy has never been the problem, secrecy is. I spend a good amount of time discussing this with the couples I work with, so I thought it might be useful to share with y’all, as well.

Privacy, as supreme court justice Louis Brandeis called it, is just the right to be left alone. It’s time to be unobserved, or introverted, or odd and quirky in ways that aren’t as comfortable to do around other people. Like wearing one of those ugly sheet masks with stained pajamas while watching a dumb TV show (the SATX reboot will work just fine) while your partner is out playing volleyball with friends. Or whatever.

Privacy is not sharing other people’s business because it isn’t yours to share.

Privacy is your journal that you use to dump out all the crazy in your head so you can inspect it to figure out what is true and important and what is ridiculous shit your amygdala came up with it because it thinks you are unwanted and unloved by everyone.

Secrecy is the relationship killer. Secrecy is the active hiding of things. And while that isn’t always a bad thing either, the context here is about keeping things from your partner because being truthful about your behavior will harm them or the relationship.

Secrecy is having blown through money that belonged to both of you. Or that your ex is in town and you’re having dinner with them, but telling your partner you’re going to the movies with your bestie.

Secrecy is downloading dating apps to see “what else is out there” because you are struggling and unhappy.

Privacy gives us a break both from our inner circles and larger society where there are standards of performance that we have to follow. Privacy allows us to be quietly sad and grumpy while re-reading our favorite book instead of having to be “on” and cheerful to the world. In an increasingly overconnected and oversharing world, privacy is soothing and healing. I encourage all of the couples I work with to give each other privacy and even suggest creating intentional space for it for people who co-habitate.

Especially with so many of us working from home now days, each person getting time outside of the house by themselves and time inside the house by themselves. You may use that time to sniff candles at TJ Maxx when you’re out and to blast music and drink pickle juice when you’re in. It’s your time, go for it.

If you get found out eating mac and cheese while watching Matlock, it’s a little embarrassing but it isn’t “bad.” If you like to inspect your boogers after you pick your nose? Weird and a little gross (please wash your hands), but also definitely not bad.

Secrecy is about fear, guilt, and shame. About what would happen if someone found out who we are or what we are really up to.

I can’t encourage you to shed your secrets. Everyone has a few, and sometimes for very good reasons. I can tell you that if they come to light from someone other than you, the secret-keeper, there is a solid chance that the consequences will be far, far, far worse. This is one of those “please talk to your therapist about this” topics if you are feeling the weight of a secret. Figure out if it makes sense to continue keeping your mouth shut or if it is time to make space to come clean with your partner.

And also? I would also suggest you “please talk to your therapist about this” if you struggle with allowing your partner privacy. I know you aren’t trying to be a control freak, but your partner may not.

Worrying about privacy is often the result of one of those perfect storms of previous hurts and mistrust around secrets kept from you in the past, mixed in with social messages that you aren’t safe unless you know about the frozen yogurt punch card in their pocket. That’s happened to a lot of us. And it can make us a a little crazy-brained in our current relationship.

But as I tell my clients, you aren’t actually soothing any fears by demanding full access and disclosure. You always want your partner to pass the phone test…but you don’t want to have to keep giving them the phone test. It’s exhausting for both of you. And if you are honestly mistrusting of your partner? That is an entirely different conversation to have with your therapist, yes?

For the record? My Friday evening plans include shitty TV and a pizza from Deco Pizzeria. I may be a heffalump and eat the whole damn thing. It’s not a secret because I just told y’all but I will be enjoying myself in the privacy of my own home without inviting y’all. And I hope you have some enjoyable, private silliness this weekend, as well. 2022 sucked and we all deserve whatever our version of goofy private behavior restores us and brings us joy.