How To “Fix” A Broken Attachment Style

First of all, the whole salesmanship thing I’m bad at? All my books are 25% off through today in my Etsy store.

Link here since Substack and my phone don’t like each other:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/DrFaithPublications

Now on to attachment styles. Which I’ve written about, especially in my boundaries book where I use different attachment styles to explain how it can be so difficult to have healthy boundaries.

According to Amir Levine’s book “Attached” about 30% of our attachment style as adults is moderated by our childhood experiences…meaning trauma disrupted our ability to form and maintain secure attachment.

But this doesn’t translate to fundamentally broken forever. The healing comes in what we call “earned attachment.” Meaning we can learn to pay attention to who we can trust. And we can learn where security lies.

If you grew up with secure attachment, you feel that the world is fundamentally safe until proven otherwise.

For the rest of us, it’s fundamentally unsafe until proven otherwise.

Those of us with avoidant attachment styles focus on trusting no one ever. Those of us with Insecure attachment styles replay traumatic dynamics in our adult life by connecting to any measure of attention they get…because that’s all we ever knew.

And some people’s upbringing was so chaotic they veer wildly between these two patterns (oftentimes called disorganized attachment because we don’t know which propensity is going to show up).

But the best way to teach yourself who your people are remains the same. It’s a deliberate process I refer to as “small tests.”

If someone new enters your life, or you’re deepening a connection with someone you haven’t known super well? Ask them for help with something small. Something that causes you no damage if they don’t follow through. And then see if they do.

Sure you can give them more than one opportunity, but don’t give them 27 more opportunities.

If the bar is on the ground and they continue to trip over it? If they aren’t great at follow through it doesn’t mean they suck as a person. It likely just means they have their own their own shit getting in the way.

But it does mean manage your expectations of them. Anxious attachment people? Don’t excuse the behavior, give them a trillion chances, expect them to show up when you need it. Keep them as a casual, pleasant person that you’re cool with. But they’re not friend or partner material. At least at this moment in their life.

Avoidant attachment people? Pay attention to the people who do follow through? Add a little more vulnerability over time. Keep opening the door wider as they continue to show up. Those people are rare, absolutely, but they do exist and you really don’t have to do everything alone.

Little you didn’t have any way of knowing who you could trust. Because the people who were supposed to did not. But big you has different choices and far more critical thinking skills.

My avoidant clients will tell you I’m known to say “Let people love you, you grumpy fuck.” Because you lost the good when cleansing out the bad. And you deserve that back.

This coming week is gonna be tough. Take care of you. Love you, mean it.

Faith