Falling Out Of Time
When illness or injury change our course.
I received a message asking for perspective on dealing with a significant injury that is going to require weeks and weeks of recovery.
I have to be careful how I respond to messages because I’m licensed, and have to not give any appearance of entering into a therapeutic relationship with someone who is not my client. It sucks because I hate giving general platitudes and a list of resources, but if you’re foul mouthed and tattooed and talk about sexual a lot it’s pretty important to be hard core on following your ethics codes. Especially if you also teach them to others on the regular 😳.
But the question was an important one, and something that we will all experience to one degree or another. It hit home for me right now, since I spent a couple days bedridden and now on week two of doing my clinic hours then immediately retreating back to bed and my neck sling. And I’ve dealt with chronic pain/chronic illness since I was 8. But I still get made and frustrated and resentful when it pushes past my precariously balanced equilibrium/management point.
I’m writing to you right now on my phone, with one arm wrapped in a heating pad and propped up on a pile of pillows. (And, TBH, I’m not even supposed to be doing that. But I love you, so I’m doing it anyway. Don’t tell my LMT and we will call it even?)
Even if this isn’t a regular experience for you, it’s almost a guaranteed part of having a human body. Which is to say you’ll experience it at some point in your life through an accident or injury or major illness.
In my doctoral level multicultural counseling course, when discussing different minority identities, my professor noted that the category of “acquired disability” is the one category that any of us can qualify for at any point in our lives with just the slightest shift of fate.
And that comment struck me not just as a clear fact, but as a capital-T truth. And highlighted why humans are so bad at seeing and empathizing with their fellow humans with non-normative bodies.
It scares the shit out of us, because it could so easily BE us at any point in time.
So what’s the best way to handle it if (when) it happens?
1) Acknowledge the trauma. Even if the event that caused the lock down isn’t traumatic (for me, just a run of the mill flare up that resulted in nerve inflammation), acknowledge that losing mobility and independence is fucking traumatic too. And if we don’t deal with our trauma, that’s how it turns into PTSD. (I’d say check out my book Unfuck Your Brain which is on this subject, but I think everyone officially owns or has at least read this book by now, it’s not as hot at K-POP but it’s holding ifs own.)
2) Recognize how time is different now. Honor that and plan for it. Ann Elizabeth Moore refers to this as “falling out of time” in her book Body Horror. Things take longer to do and you can do less of them. Conserve your spoons. This is one of those things that seems self-explanatory, but if you are anything like me you have to REMEMBER TO DO IT.
3) Create a stimulating environment for yourself. We don’t have control over our stress hormone levels (fuck you, cortisol) but we do have control over our DHEA levels, which counterbalance our cortisol. Considering a situation challenging instead of overwhelming helps, when possible. Also, giving our brains interesting stuff to focus on and play with. Mice who grew up with lots of toys easily learned how to drive little mouse cars, researchers found in a recent study when their counterparts did not. They had higher DHEA levels meaning they were curious, engaged, and up for new stuff. Maybe you can’t physically do much, but an interesting podcast or book, or a documentary instead of a soap opera? There’s a real chemical interaction happening when you give your brain new toys, and it’s a very healing one.
4) Fucking let people help you if you have them. It’s far harder to accept help than give it (yo, I know). Do it anyway. Do it only because I said so. We get so much more from giving to others than we do from giving to ourselves, consider it a mental health favor if you have to, but REACH OUT.
And if you have other ideas, please share them in the comments, let’s crowdsource our support for each other AND remember that we aren’t alone.
Faith